I just attended a talk by Dr Peter Brennan, a physiologist from Bristol University who has spent a long while researching and studying this. It was interesting stuff but the bad news is, if you’re hoping a spray will be the solution to success with women, there’s little research to back that up.

The summary of the facts that we know are:

• Some animals do rely largely on pheromones to attract the opposite sex (mice for instance)
• In humans, we simply don’t have the same “receptors” for pheromones (in other words, it doesn’t work for us, although there’s evidence that it might have done thousands of years ago
• Human sense of smell has declined over hundreds and thousands of years, to be replaced by visual and verbal clues of attractiveness
• There is no good scientific basis that pheromone sprays work
• The placebo effect may have some influence (in other words, if you spray youself and believe it makes you more attractive, you might act more attractively

Sorry if you were hopeful….

The same evening saw some good talks from other psychologists and biologists about what men and women look for in a partner, which pretty much back up what I’ve written previously. Guys tend to find physical attributes attractive in women, whereas women are more concerned with behavioural and status traits. The good news for you, are these are things you can learn (don’t forget, if you’re in London you an hire me as a dating coach to find out how.)

photo by alex555

Fear of rejection stops most guys at the first hurdle. They see a beautiful girl, freeze up wondering what to say, and then do nothing. If you manage to get past that stage and actually talk to her, or your lucky enough to introduced to a girl at a social event, you’re going to have to push past your fear of rejection to move on to the next step. Unless you’re going to take her home that night, you’re going to need her number.

My guess is if you meet a girl you like and you want her phone number, you do one of two things:

1. Nothing – You worry that she’ll say no, so you don’t ask
2. You fluff arond asking her for her number awkwardly

If you’re like most guys, you probably do nothing. It’s OK – we all worry about being rejected. But if you really want to improve your dating life you’re going to have to man up and face the fear. If she says “no” nothing bad will happen, apart from maybe a little knock to your ego.

I’d love to tell you there’s a magic way to ensure that every girl will say yes. There isn’t, sorry – life’s a bitch, eh? If you want to be a bit smoother than asking “Can I have your phone number?” here’s what I usually do. Let’s imagine I’m at a bar, I’ve been talking to a girl for 15 minutes and I think she might be interested:

Me: “Hey, I have to get back to my friends, they’ll think you’ve kidnapped me or something. Been good talking to you”.
Her: (laughing) “Yes, you too”
Me: “You’re fun – we should have a drink together another time”
Her: “OK. Erm, give me your number and I’ll call you”

(Note: If you’ve done a good job earlier, she’ll often offer you her number at this point. I’ve assumed here this girl hasn’t)

Me: “haha, you’ll never call – you’re a girl. You’ll get all shy and embarrassed and wonder what to say. Tell you what, we’ll swap”
Her: “sure”

It really doesn’t need to be more difficult to that. Getting her phone number should not be your goal. You want her to be excited about the thought of seeing you again. if she is, exhanging phone numbers becomes automatic.

Finally, I like to save my number in her phone as something funny like “Darren, hot guy from X bar”. When I call her over the next couple of days, it will appear on her screen and she’ll laugh as she remembers the good time we had talking in the bar.

Remember, you won’t get anywhere without asking. What have you got to lose?

Photo by hessiebell

Lots of exciting stuff’s been happening over here at The Social Coach though and there’s some great stuff to come your way, so keep reading. Until then, here’s a guest article from my good friend Peter Sheriff over at Love Systems on how to meet women on public transport.

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Hey,
I’m Peter Sheriff, a Senior Instructor for Love Systems. Last weekend I had the pleasure of spending time with Darren (The Social Coach)- my former wing, and a veritable expert on all things dating.

We were talking about dating ‘problems’ that arise for guys based in London – and a recurring one seems to be chatting up girls on The Tube (the subway, for you Americans), or on buses, or at the gym, or really anywhere where you have a girl who’s a captive audience.

If you rush straight in when she first sits down next to you, you can seem a bit too keen, but if you wait until you’ve been sitting next to her for a few minutes, it can look like you’ve been working up the courage to talk to her. Obviously, neither is optimal.

What you want is an approach that combines the best of both worlds – makes you look like you had the balls to talk to her, while not seeming too keen. Here’s the basic formula:

Make a (funny) observational comment as soon as you see her – and then shut up! Reinitiate the conversation a few minutes later, by asking her opinion on something.

You want to get in to a situation where you have SOME dialogue, but you don’t wanna be that guy hitting on her as soon as she sits down. It’s a bit like touching a girl: you want to start doing it early and often in the interaction, so that there’s never an uncomfortable “oh no, we’re getting initimate” moment.

If you’ve not said anything to her, and you’ve been sitting next to her for ten minutes, it’s going to sound a little contrived if I out of the blue start up the conversation by asking her opinion on something. If we have some momentum, it makes it much more natural.

Let’s take some real-world examples. Let’s start off with some generic ‘observational’ comments:

On the tube: “Christ, that’s a huge bag – have you a gun in there?”

On the plan: “Aw, I was going to steal your pillow and blanket and make a nest”

On the bus: (to a girl wearing a huge coat) “Wow, were you expecting a hurricane or something?”

None of this stuff is needy or rapport-seeking – it’s random observations, a little cocky and funny, that don’t need a reply beyond her giggling, or a one word response.

Now sit back, and do other stuff for a little while. If at all possible, talk to other people around you. Look out the window. You’ve broken the ice, it’s not going to look like you were too much of a pussy to talk to her – you’re just going to look not needy. Don’t be dogmatic or weird about this. If she continues the conversation, don’t run away from that, but: otherwise, put some space in.

A few minutes later (or if you’re on a LONG journey, you can wait a bit longer), you can reinitiate the conversation – perhaps ask her opinion on something, or ask her about her day -

On the tube: “The person who was sat there before you tried to convince me to become a Hare Krishna – you’re not a Scientologist are you?”

On the plane: “I’m a terrible flyer, so if I grab on to your arm as we take off, I’d just like to apologise in advance”

On the night bus at 2am: “Been anywhere nice? Let me guess, you’ve been to some trendy Soho bar…”

You’ve started a conversation naturally, without seeming needy, and without seeming like you were working up the courage to talk to her. Like everything Darren teaches, it’s about making small adjustments to your approach to make everything seem natural and flow smoothly, rather than about learning some magical “pickup lines”. But like everything else, it won’t have any effect unless you try it – give it a go today!

photo by Extra Medium

Before you start a sexual relationship with a women, she’s likely to want to know a bit more about you to make sure that you’re the right kind of guy. Your Facebook page is one of the best ways to let her know that you’re exactly the kind of man that she wants to meet.

Here are a few quick tips that you can use right away to help you meet, attract and date women using Facebook.

What does your Facebook page say about you?

Take a moment to have a look at your Facebook page and imagine that you are a stranger looking at it for the first time. What first impressions does it give about the kind of person you are?

Are there photos of you doing cool things, being around other women and generally having fun?

Are your status updates funny, positive and suggest that you are successful and having a good time?

Are there lots of comments from friends, particularly female friends on your wall?

If not, time to do some editing. Make sure the photos you have uploaded and the ones you’re tagged in display you in the best light. Every so often, make a cool comment on a female friend’s wall – they will often comment back, giving you a nice bit of “social proof“. Also, remember if you change something like your profile picture or upload something new, it appears in other people’s news feeds and they are more likely to think of you and make a comment

Are you on Facebook?

Sometimes when you meet a new girl, especially if you have limited time to talk initially, it can feel a bit awkward to ask for her phone number. An easier way is to ask “Are you on Facebook?” It’s unlikely that she isn’t, and it will be a lot easier to get her to add you on Facebook than take her number if she doesn’t know you so well.

Now that you’ve made your Facebook page look great with cool photos and several girls commenting on your page, when she logs on and takes a look at you, there’s a good chance she’s going to want to get to know you better.

Don’t just stay an online friend

Once you have a new girl as a “Facebook friend”, make sure you don’t stay just that. Drop her a message soon after meeting (I’d stick to a similar rule as when dealing with girls by phone. Leave it a day or two, but not much longer).

Rather than going straight into asking her out, send her a note telling her something cool that’s happened to you and add a question at the end which allows her to respond. Something like “Hey, had a great weekend – On Sunday the funniest thing happened….XYZ…. How was yours? Dx” That way, you get a conversation going without appearing over-eager. On your next message, suggest meeting up.

Assuming she says yes, if you don’t have her number already, keep it simple with “Great, I’m on 444-444-444. And you?”

One of the key secrets to attracting and dating women is to always put your best self on display. This works in the real world and online – think of your Facebook page as an advertisement for who you are, it may help you to score some extra dates.

Rumour has it that this is one of the best “unofficial” singles events in London, with more women usually attending than guys. Plus, you get to drink and play around on all the stuff that children are normally only allowed to. If you can’t make it tomorrow, they run one every month – I’d recommend it.

• Be attractive
• Make things happen

I know you might be reading this and thinking “is it really that easy?” and in basic terms, yes it is. Every time you’ve messed things up with a girl you liked will because you didn’t act in the way that attractive guys act or because you didn’t make a move. In this article, I’m going to focus on “making a move”.

If you want to start dating that cute girl you meet in the bar on Saturday night, there are a bunch of things that will have to happen, usually in about the same order:

1. You need to start talking to her
2. You need to let her know that you’re interested in being more than “just friends”
3. You need to arrange to see her again, or maybe make something happen that night
4. You need to kiss her for the first time
5. You need to get back to your place or hers
6. You need to “get physical”

It may sound old-fashioned, but as a guy it’s pretty much your job to make all of this happen. Where guys often go wrong is they don’t want to mess up, so get nervous. Then they either don’t do one of the above, or fluff it over.

As you’re reading this, it’s probably a safe bet that you’re not having the success you want with girls and dating. Be honest with yourself and answer these two questions:

1. Which of the above 6 steps are you getting to consistently with girls?
2. Does it not go further because you don’t do anything, or because she says “no”?

If she says “no”, it’s most likely that she doesn’t find you attractive. Don’t worry, you can work on that. Women look for different things in guys than men do in women, and luckily most of them are things you can change.

In most cases, I find it’s because guys don’t make a move. Time to kick your ego to one side, man up and do something. If you’re afraid of going up and talking to girls, time to get started. If you meet a lot of women, but never move any further than polite conversation, try telling the next girl you meet and like that you think she’s sexy and you’d love to meet up for a drink. If you’re going on lots of dates, but nothing ever happens, when you’re on the next date and things are at a high see what happens if you try to kiss her.

Meeting and dating women can seem complicated, but in basic terms, it’s really that simple. Be a man and make things happen.

I’m not a massive fan of going to the gym (although, it can be a great place to meet women), but I do like to jog in the open air. Something I’ve noticed while running is that people with iPods, or any other personal music players, barely notice you are there. It’s almost as if they’re in a little world of their own, and I often nearly run into them.

Don’t get me wrong, I love to listen to music. I’m sat in a park right now writing this on my laptop, happily listening to music from my iPhone. Note though – I am working. I want to be in a world of my own, and definitely don’t want to be distracted if a cute girl walks by.

Last weekend though, I was chilling out in a coffee shop waiting for a friend, when I overheard a conversation two attractive girls were having on the table next to me. It was a great opportunity to join their conversation and I ended up taking one of their phone numbers. That wouldn’t have happened if I’d been immersed in my headphones.

If you want to meet a girl, don’t cut yourself from the outside world. Leave your iPod at home and be ready to start a conversation.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In this article, I’ll break down the nuts and bolts of how to approach a girl you want to chat up. Don’t worry, I’ll include a few things you can say too.

Have an opening line prepared

As I’ve already mentioned, what you say is not nearly as important as you might think. I’ve met and dated girls where I have said the most ridiculous or the most inane things when I first met them. However, when you see that gorgeous girl across the room and you want to talk to her, your heart is pounding and your nerves kick in, I’ll guarantee you that you won’t be able to think of something to say. Sure when she’s gone and you’re left standing their alone, you’ll probably come up with many things you could have said, but it’s too late then isn’t it?

So, the first thing to do is think of something you can use in most situations so that when that situation comes along, you don’t have to think about too much. Here’s what I like to say:

“Hey, you’re gorgeous and I just had to come over and say hello. I’m Darren”

Those are the only words you need to know. Just grab your balls, and go and say it. Simple, eh?

If you’re not feeling quite confident enough to be that direct yet, just ask something simple like “Do you know what time this place is open until?”, or “Do you know any good clubs around here?” It doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that. All you need is something to get over the first hurdle, and get the conversation started.

Now you’ve got at least one opening line prepared, let’s imagine you’re out at a bar enjoying the night and you see a girl that rocks your boat.

Don’t be creepy now

A lot of guys mess up before they’ve even opened their mouths, or before they’ve even got anywhere near the girl. There are a bunch of things I see men do, all with a common theme:

• Looking or staring at her for too long before doing anything
• Getting halfway to her then hovering around nervously before approaching properly
• Trying to force eye contact

There are probably more, but you catch my drift. The common theme is, they all show lack of confidence. And, we know that girls like confident guys, so that’s how you want to look.

So the first rule is, when you see her approach as soon as you can. If for whatever reason something is preventing you from doing this, turn your back and have fun with your friends so you don’t turn into the creepy stare-out guy. Get your head together, then turn back and go straight over to talk to her.

Excude confidence with your body language

I’ve read all kinds of complicated ideas around body language and what it says about you, but I like to keep things simple. When we feel nervous or threatened, we tend to cover a few key parts of our bodies – our face, neck, chest and groin. For instance, we might lower our head, cross our legs together or just angle the centre of ourselves away from the person we’re facing.

To appear confident, all you need to think about is keeping your face, neck, chest and groin open. Handily, they’re in a straight line from top to bottom so shouldn’t be too hard to forget. Imagine a pole running from the ground, through your body to the top of your head, holding you upright and open. Your arms should be comfortably by your sides, and your feet roughly shoulder width apart.

Finally, and possibly most important, smile. Smiling’s contagious, and every girl wants to meet a guy who looks like he’s having fun.

Slow it down

Nervous people tend to talk to quickly – it’s like they’re afraid that if they don’t get to the end of what they’re saying quickly, someone will interrupt them or people will stop listening. If you slow down when you speak and use pauses, it will make you appear much more confident.

Don’t be afraid of a little silence and for her waiting to hear what you’ve got to say. This can create a little tension, and that’s a good thing.

If at first you don’t succeed…

A lot of guys are scared of what will happen if they mess up, so avoid talking to girls that they like. Well, first of all, you have to mess up a few times to get any good.

Secondly, think about it for a minute. What’s the worst thing that can happen? Honestly? She ignores you, or brushes you off maybe? Don’t worry you’ll survive, even if your ego takes a little knock.

I’ll take a look at what to say after you’ve approached soon, but for now, why not go out tonight and see what happens?

#1 Waiting for something to happen

Head out to a bar in London, or anywhere else in the world, on a Saturday night and the picture’s very much the same. Lots of girls dancing and having fun, and a group of guys standing around drinking beer and hoping that something will happen.

Do yourself a favour and don’t be that guy – get away from the comfort of your male group and actually go and meet some of the women in there. You never know one of them might actually like you…

#2 Trying to hard to impress her

Have you ever heard the expression “a rich man doesn’t need to tell you he’s rich”? What it means is, people who are genuinely self-confident will not go to great lengths to persuade you how cool they are. They just spend their time “being cool” and others pick up on that.

I could write a whole book on “how to just be cool” so for now, just consider this. If you find that you’re going out of your way to explain what an awesome guy you are, you are probably not being cool. Yes, you do want her to realise this, but let that happen by telling her great stories, making her laugh, and acting confident. She’ll pick up on it without you needing to tell her.

#3 Trying to buy her attention

Yes, yes, girls like to be bought things. You don’t need to be a genius to work that one out. But, so many guys end up spending a fortune on a girl or girls, only to be told “sorry, I only really like you as a friend”.

If you’re at a bar and you’ve just met her it’s fine to buy her a drink while you’re getting one for yourself. But, don’t fall into the trap of buying her a drink for the sake of it, or so that you’re guaranteed her attention for the next 20 minutes while she drinks it.

I love to take my girlfriends out for dinner and splash out now and again. But, if I’ve just met a girl and perhaps we’re meeting up for the first time, I’ll usually just meet for drinks somewhere and not make too much of a show of it. Why spend a fortune on a girl you barely know yet? She won’t respect you for it, and it will set a frame for your relationship going forward.

#4 Fumbling around for her phone number

“It’s been, urm, cool, we should, urm, hang out sometime. Could I get your, urm, number?”. I’ve heard these words or similar so many times it makes me cringe.

Let’s say you’ve met an attractive girl and you seemed to hit it off. Tell her so – she’ll like you even more for your confidence. Don’t be shy – tell her you think she’s great and you’d love to go for a drink over the next couple of weeks. If you do it right, she’ll offer her number without you even needing to ask.

#5 Not making a move to kiss her

Even though a girl may like you and be dying to kiss you for the first time, she will rarely make the first move. You’re the man, that’s your job. Most guys leave it way to late before they pluck up the courage to go for the kiss, if they do it at all.

Grow some balls, and make a move. She’ll like you all the more if you do.

Now, clearly there is not a lot you can do about your genetic make-up. But it does lead me nicely on to something which drives me crazy with some guys I meet when when working as a dating coach for men. Personal hygiene.

Well now you know, women can probably smell you better than I can.

If you want to be a hit with girls, here’s a few things you can do before you even leave the house to give you a better chance of pulling:

• Take a good shower: This may sound obvious, but there will often be one guy turn up on my coaching sessions who doesn’t seem to know what hot water and soap is. Trust me, while your natural man scent may have been a big turn-on to Neanderthal woman, most modern girls will prefer it if you have a good shower before you go near them.
• Deodorant: Showering alone is not good enough. It’s hot in that club, make sure you stay smelling great by spraying your underarms before you head out for the night.
• Clean those teeth: If you’re planning to get up close and personal by the end of the night, you better make sure your mouth tastes good enough to kiss. Toothpaste, Dental Floss and Mouthwash are key to being a kissable guy.
• Manicures are not just for girls: Dirty, bitten fingernails are not attractive to a woman. If you want her to fantasise about what wonderful things you could do to her with your hands, make sure you keep them trimmed and clean.
• Clothes: I’m not going to go into personal style here but as a starter, make sure that what you are wearing is clean and well looked after.

If you’re not doing this already you are seriously hurting your chances of success with women. That’s all for today, I’m off for a shower and a face scrub.