I just attended a talk by Dr Peter Brennan, a physiologist from Bristol University who has spent a long while researching and studying this. It was interesting stuff but the bad news is, if you’re hoping a spray will be the solution to success with women, there’s little research to back that up.

The summary of the facts that we know are:

• Some animals do rely largely on pheromones to attract the opposite sex (mice for instance)
• In humans, we simply don’t have the same “receptors” for pheromones (in other words, it doesn’t work for us, although there’s evidence that it might have done thousands of years ago
• Human sense of smell has declined over hundreds and thousands of years, to be replaced by visual and verbal clues of attractiveness
• There is no good scientific basis that pheromone sprays work
• The placebo effect may have some influence (in other words, if you spray youself and believe it makes you more attractive, you might act more attractively

Sorry if you were hopeful….

The same evening saw some good talks from other psychologists and biologists about what men and women look for in a partner, which pretty much back up what I’ve written previously. Guys tend to find physical attributes attractive in women, whereas women are more concerned with behavioural and status traits. The good news for you, are these are things you can learn (don’t forget, if you’re in London you an hire me as a dating coach to find out how.)

photo by alex555

Working as a professional dating coach, I’m often researching what advice is out there for guys, but recently I took a look at the other side of the coin – what kind of advice do girls look for online?

At the time of writing there are 108 million results for “How to get a guy to notice you”, 32 million results for “How to get a guy to approach you” and a massive 122 million results for “How to get a guy to ask you out on a date”. It would seem that girls are crying out for advice on how to get guys to take notice, talk to them and ask them out. And what do you do, in most cases? Nothing.

There are a bunch of signals girls will sometimes give off so that you can tell that she is interested, but not all girls are so good at this. Here’s my advice. Next time you’re talking to a girl, if she hasn’t run away and seems to be having a good time, there’s a good chance she might like you. What have you got to lose by asking for her number and suggesting you go out for a drink together? After all you wouldn’t want her to go home lonely to search for advice on how she can get the next guy to ask her out, would you?

OK, it’s a comedy and not real-life but if you want to attract quality women, there is some relevance to this. “The Tao of Steve” has three rules:

1. Be desireless
2. Be excellent
3. Be gone

In this clip the protagonist, Dex, is explaining Rule number 3 – be gone. He sums it up in a quote from Martin Heidegger, the German Philosopher:

“We pursue that which retreats from us.”

Before you start taking this too literally, I’m not saying you should start running away from the girls you’re attracted to. But, if you meet a girl and it’s too obvious that you’re attracted and are you seem like you’ll be an “easy catch” for her, you probably want to rethink your approach. Here’s a few quick things you can start with straight away.

Don’t compliment her too much, or too early on

If she’s physically attractive, she’s likely to know that already. She probably also gets told how hot she is by several guys every day, as well as being ogled at as she walks down the street. Don’t be that guy. If you want to let her know that you dig her without appearing too needy, find one non-physical thing you like about her and tell her that, sincerely. Just don’t overdo it.

Always leave on a high

A lot of guys make the mistake of approaching a girl in the street or in a bar, getting on well and then hanging around for too long in the hope that something might happen. If it’s clear that things are not going any further there and then, be the first to cut things short and leave. Make sure you have her phone number first of course….

Don’t phone her every day

As a general rule with phoning girls, leave it at least a day, preferably two days before you call her. If you’re not sure what to say, read my article on what to say when you phone a girl. Never phone her more than once every two or three days at the most. And always be the first to end the call.

Don’t be too eager when you kiss

When guys kiss a girl the first time, many fall into the trap of franticallly trying to get more and more physical, just short of clubbing her over the head and dragging her back to their cave. Better to kiss her well, then push her away just when she’s enjoying it a bit too much. Teasing is a good thing. Overeagerness isn’t.

So, if you’re ever in doubt of what to do next time you meet a cute girl, just remember the three rules from the Tao of Steve – be desireless, be excellent, and be gone.

Amusingly, I have a bunch of female friends that are always complaining they can’t meet a “nice guy”. The truth is, they meet lots of nice guys. They just aren’t attracted to them.

So what is it about bad boys that drives women wild?

Some girls will genuinely go for guys who treat them really bad and are not good for them emotionally. These girls are often low self-esteem and probably not the kind of girls you want to be attracting anyway. However, there are some traits that “bad boys” have that you can learn from, that will help you to attract more women.

Bad boys are confident

Girls like confident guys, and bad boys usually have more than their fair share of confidence. These are men who know what they want and are not afraid to go and get it.

Aside from learning how to act more confidently by using your body language to your advantage, there are a few other things you can do to mimic what bad guys do.

For instance, “nice guys” often pander to a girl’s every want and need in a hope that she’ll like them for it. If this is you, try being honest and disagreeing from time to time. If you don’t like something she does, say so. If you want to go somewhere or do something, do it because you want to, not because you think she’ll like it.

We want what we can’t have

Girls are often told to play hard to get in order to make a man crazy about her. Well, it works the other way around too. “Bad boys” are unpredictable, difficult to make plans with and seem unlikely to get into a relationship. This has the effect of making them all the more desirable.

Never be too available to a girl, and always have something better to do if she cancels on your plans. If you get together with a new girl, don’t see her more than once per week for the first couple of months, and make sure you’ve got lots of fun stories about what you’ve been doing in between your time together.

Stimulating a girl’s emotions

Girls love a little drama in their lives. Why do you think they watch so many soap operas and spend all that time pouring over gossip magazines? This is because it stimulates their emotions.

Men who don’t understand this spend their time having polite conversations with girls, and stepping on eggshells in case they upset her. Bad boys don’t care. If they say something and it upsets her, so be it. If they think she’s being stupid, they’ll make fun of her.

Have a bit of fun, and don’t be afraid to elicit some emotions in her. If you lead her on an emotional journey, she’s likely to want you more.

You don’t have to be a complete asshole for girls to like you, but it’ll do you a whole lot of good to be a bit more selfish, show some confidence and poke a little fun at girls from time to time. If you do it right, it can be fun for both of you.

Now, clearly there is not a lot you can do about your genetic make-up. But it does lead me nicely on to something which drives me crazy with some guys I meet when when working as a dating coach for men. Personal hygiene.

Well now you know, women can probably smell you better than I can.

If you want to be a hit with girls, here’s a few things you can do before you even leave the house to give you a better chance of pulling:

• Take a good shower: This may sound obvious, but there will often be one guy turn up on my coaching sessions who doesn’t seem to know what hot water and soap is. Trust me, while your natural man scent may have been a big turn-on to Neanderthal woman, most modern girls will prefer it if you have a good shower before you go near them.
• Deodorant: Showering alone is not good enough. It’s hot in that club, make sure you stay smelling great by spraying your underarms before you head out for the night.
• Clean those teeth: If you’re planning to get up close and personal by the end of the night, you better make sure your mouth tastes good enough to kiss. Toothpaste, Dental Floss and Mouthwash are key to being a kissable guy.
• Manicures are not just for girls: Dirty, bitten fingernails are not attractive to a woman. If you want her to fantasise about what wonderful things you could do to her with your hands, make sure you keep them trimmed and clean.
• Clothes: I’m not going to go into personal style here but as a starter, make sure that what you are wearing is clean and well looked after.

If you’re not doing this already you are seriously hurting your chances of success with women. That’s all for today, I’m off for a shower and a face scrub.

In his great book Influence: Science and Practice, one of Robert Cialdini’s “weapons of influence” was Social Proof. Simply put, people want things that other people like them want, and will tend to base their behaviour on what others are doing. So, how does this translate into the world of dating and meeting women?

In an earlier article, I talked about what women find attractive in a man. Unlike men, who largely want women that look good with great figures and pretty faces, women tend to look for non-physical attributes in men. Girls want to know that a guy is successful, ambitious confident and has a great sense of humor. So, us guys can just look at a women and weigh up how attractive she is. For women, it’s a bit more complicated and she needs to find out a bit more about you first.

Imagine a girl is out in a bar and sees two guys. They are both presentable, carry an air of confidence and look like they could be fun to talk to. One of them is exclusively with male friends, the other is with two attractive women, who are both laughing at his jokes and seem to be flirting with him.

If she has a choice to get to know just one of them, which do you think she would choose?

If a guy appears to have lots of women that are into him, other girls will make that assumption that he must be attractive in some way.

Some evolutionary psychologists believe that women use cues from other girls to decide whether a man is attractive or not. It’s a kind of shortcut – she could spend time talking to lots of men to find out what they are like, or she could make an assumption based on how other women act around the men she sees. After all, if lots of other women find a man attractive, he probably is, right?

Here are a few tips on how you can use this to your advantage when out meeting women.

Work the room

If you are just out with guys, don’t hang around in the corner drinking beer all night. Work the room a bit, and be seen talking to girls through the night. Don’t be the sleazy guy who tries to drunkenly pick up every girl in the room though. Be seen as the friendly, sociable guy who’s fun to be around.

The great thing about this is, if girls see you talking to other women in the bar or wherever you are, they won’t know that you don’t know them already. I’ll often introduce two girls I’ve met that night as my “friend”. The fact that you’ve only been friends for an hour or so doesn’t need to matter.

Be the centre of attention

If you’re talking to a group of girls, or even a mixed group of men and women, try to position yourself in the centre of the group so that everyone is looking toward you. If there’s a bar or wall nearby, lean against it so that others are surrounding you. If you’re seated, sit in a central spot preferably with your back to the wall, so that everyone looking in towards you. This will have the subtle effect of others seeing you as the centre of the group, just the kind of person that women are attracted to.

Start your conversation indirectly

Sometimes, you will see a girl you like, but it’s difficult to talk to her because she’s in a difficult to reach place, or she’s in a big group of people. Try,starting a conversation with some girls near her, then introducing her to your newly found friends. “Hey, we were just talking about X, what do you think?” is an easy opening line you can use to do this.

Go out with female friends

If you find that you’re spending most of your nights out with a big crowd of male friends, try inviting out a few female friends for a change and see how differently women act around you. I’ll be quite open with my girlfriends and give them tips on how they can help me to pull. If you’re chatting up a group of girls, have one of your female friends come over and check if you want a drink, or just to chat for a few minutes, and then leave you to it. Also, ask them to talk you up to any girls that you introduce them to. Don’t be too overzealous though – I once had a female friend come running over to me in a bar when I was with a particularly attractive girl and announce unprompted “Hey, this is my friend Darren! He’s the best guy in the world ever!” Just a few subtle comments about how cool you are, when introduced to the group would be better.

Avoid looking like a stag party

If you don’t have a huge crowd of female friends you can invite out, try to limit the number of guys you go out with when you’re out to meet women. There’s nothing more unnatractive than 15 drunk guys hanging round and drinking beer in the corner of the club. If there are only 2 or 3 of you, it’s a lot easier to add women to your group as the night goes on.

Get your female friends to do the work for you

It’s a lot easier for a girl to start a conversation with another girl than it is for you. Be honest with your female friends about what you want and get them to start the talking. Tell them to avoid anything like “My friend over there fancies you” though. Tell them to keep it neutral and just introduce you so you can work your magic.

Being seen as someone that gets lots of female attention is one of the most powerful thigns you can do to increase your success with women and dating. Try it out and see – and remember, if you don’t have an extensive list of female friends to hang out with, go out and find some tonight.

A big problem many men have when meeting women is they are never sure whether to make a move or not. We get comfortable having fun and don’t want to mess it up by awkwardly trying to kiss her and being rejected.

For me, I have two basic rules that tell me she might be interested:

1. She is talking to me
2. She is talking to me

Confidence is everything, of course…

I understand that you may be looking for something a little more reliable before you venture into the unknown world of trying to kiss a girl for the first time, or maybe even just ask her out for a drink. Remember though, girls will not usually explicitly tell you they are interested, and are even less likely to make the first move. You’re the man, that’s your job. So, here’s a quick run-down of some reliable indications that she might be interested in you:

She leans towards you and touches you while you’re talking

If she’s into you, she’s more likely to invade your personal space a little and will probably be comfortable with a little physical contact. If she’s leaning forward and hanging on to your every word, chances are she fancies you

She touches herself while you’re talking

Before you get any dirty thoughts in your mind, I’m talking about self grooming or fussing over her appearance. A common thing on this theme is touching or playing with her hair. In the words of The Streets “I saw this thing on ITV the other week, Said, that if she played with her hair, she’s probably keen She’s playin with her hair, well regularly, So i reckon i could well be in. “ 

She laughs at your jokes

Women love a guy who makes her laugh, and laughter is also a way of expressing acceptance of another person’s point of view. If she laughs with you, she’s accepting you. She’ll also associate all of those positive emotions she’s just experienced with your company, which can’t be a bad thing, can it?

She tells you things about herself to impress you

If she starts mentioning how she’s an olympic swimmer, or a singer, or that she cooks the best Spaghetti Bolognaise in London, there’s a good chance she wants to get to know you better

She asks you things about yourself

If she asks you how old you are, or whether you have brother or sisters, or where you work, there’s a good chance she likes you. Would you ask the same questions of a girl you had no interest in?

She’s still there talking to you

It might sound like a small thing, but think about it – an attractive girl and has lots of options as to who she talks to. But she’s there with you. Unless this is because you’ve made it physically awkward for her to leave, this is probably a good enough sign that you might have a chance.

On a final note, I’ve had a few occasions where guys have told me they’ve arranged to meet a girl that they met in a bar for drinks, but they are not sure if she wants to be more than friends. Take it from me, girls don’t go out with guys they met in a bar to be “just friends”. If you’ve got that far, it’s just down to you not to mess up.

• good skin
• clean, healthy hair
• good body (although usually in more graphic terms!)
• pretty face
• youthful looking

I then ask the “what do you think women find attractive in men?” We usually get a very different list this time, along the lines of:

• confidence
• financially stable
• funny
• socially connected
• tall and strong
• ambitious and passionate

These are just examples, but you get the idea. Interestingly in The Evolution of Desire by David M Buss, his research shows a similar list of for what men and women look for in a partner. If you take a look at any internet dating site, you’ll find that men’s adverts focus on the physical type of woman they want, whereas women’s ads mention things like “financially secure”, “good sense of humour” and “ambitious”.

Simply put, men (at least initially) mainly look for physical traits and women largely look for behavioural traits.

So, how does this help you to meet more women?

Well, imagine a gorgeous girl walked into the room you are in right now, wearing a skimpy bikini and a smile. How long does it take you to decide if you fancy her? Probably less than a second, right? It’s not like you have a list of attractive attributes which you tick off in your mind – “Let me see, she’s got smooth skin, good symetrical features, decent hip-waist ratio. Hmmm, yep i think she’s quite attractive.”

It all just happens instinctively, in an instant.

Well, guess what? The same goes for women, only the things they look for are different. If you act like a confident, socially aware guy, who’s fun to be around and seems like he’s going places, or already got there, she’ll be attracted to you.

For a man, if a woman looks the way that beautiful women look, he will be attracted to her and there’s nothing he can do about it. In the same way, if a man acts in the way that attractive men act, women will be attracted to him, and there’s nothing she can do about it.
Next time you’re out, look at the men who have beautiful women around them. How do they act? How is different to how you act? How can you act more like them?

In future articles we’ll look at some of these behaviours that make men attractive to women, and how you can make them your own.