Fear of rejection stops most guys at the first hurdle. They see a beautiful girl, freeze up wondering what to say, and then do nothing. If you manage to get past that stage and actually talk to her, or your lucky enough to introduced to a girl at a social event, you’re going to have to push past your fear of rejection to move on to the next step. Unless you’re going to take her home that night, you’re going to need her number.

My guess is if you meet a girl you like and you want her phone number, you do one of two things:

1. Nothing – You worry that she’ll say no, so you don’t ask
2. You fluff arond asking her for her number awkwardly

If you’re like most guys, you probably do nothing. It’s OK – we all worry about being rejected. But if you really want to improve your dating life you’re going to have to man up and face the fear. If she says “no” nothing bad will happen, apart from maybe a little knock to your ego.

I’d love to tell you there’s a magic way to ensure that every girl will say yes. There isn’t, sorry – life’s a bitch, eh? If you want to be a bit smoother than asking “Can I have your phone number?” here’s what I usually do. Let’s imagine I’m at a bar, I’ve been talking to a girl for 15 minutes and I think she might be interested:

Me: “Hey, I have to get back to my friends, they’ll think you’ve kidnapped me or something. Been good talking to you”.
Her: (laughing) “Yes, you too”
Me: “You’re fun – we should have a drink together another time”
Her: “OK. Erm, give me your number and I’ll call you”

(Note: If you’ve done a good job earlier, she’ll often offer you her number at this point. I’ve assumed here this girl hasn’t)

Me: “haha, you’ll never call – you’re a girl. You’ll get all shy and embarrassed and wonder what to say. Tell you what, we’ll swap”
Her: “sure”

It really doesn’t need to be more difficult to that. Getting her phone number should not be your goal. You want her to be excited about the thought of seeing you again. if she is, exhanging phone numbers becomes automatic.

Finally, I like to save my number in her phone as something funny like “Darren, hot guy from X bar”. When I call her over the next couple of days, it will appear on her screen and she’ll laugh as she remembers the good time we had talking in the bar.

Remember, you won’t get anywhere without asking. What have you got to lose?

Photo by hessiebell

Working as a professional dating coach, I’m often researching what advice is out there for guys, but recently I took a look at the other side of the coin – what kind of advice do girls look for online?

At the time of writing there are 108 million results for “How to get a guy to notice you”, 32 million results for “How to get a guy to approach you” and a massive 122 million results for “How to get a guy to ask you out on a date”. It would seem that girls are crying out for advice on how to get guys to take notice, talk to them and ask them out. And what do you do, in most cases? Nothing.

There are a bunch of signals girls will sometimes give off so that you can tell that she is interested, but not all girls are so good at this. Here’s my advice. Next time you’re talking to a girl, if she hasn’t run away and seems to be having a good time, there’s a good chance she might like you. What have you got to lose by asking for her number and suggesting you go out for a drink together? After all you wouldn’t want her to go home lonely to search for advice on how she can get the next guy to ask her out, would you?

OK, it’s a comedy and not real-life but if you want to attract quality women, there is some relevance to this. “The Tao of Steve” has three rules:

1. Be desireless
2. Be excellent
3. Be gone

In this clip the protagonist, Dex, is explaining Rule number 3 – be gone. He sums it up in a quote from Martin Heidegger, the German Philosopher:

“We pursue that which retreats from us.”

Before you start taking this too literally, I’m not saying you should start running away from the girls you’re attracted to. But, if you meet a girl and it’s too obvious that you’re attracted and are you seem like you’ll be an “easy catch” for her, you probably want to rethink your approach. Here’s a few quick things you can start with straight away.

Don’t compliment her too much, or too early on

If she’s physically attractive, she’s likely to know that already. She probably also gets told how hot she is by several guys every day, as well as being ogled at as she walks down the street. Don’t be that guy. If you want to let her know that you dig her without appearing too needy, find one non-physical thing you like about her and tell her that, sincerely. Just don’t overdo it.

Always leave on a high

A lot of guys make the mistake of approaching a girl in the street or in a bar, getting on well and then hanging around for too long in the hope that something might happen. If it’s clear that things are not going any further there and then, be the first to cut things short and leave. Make sure you have her phone number first of course….

Don’t phone her every day

As a general rule with phoning girls, leave it at least a day, preferably two days before you call her. If you’re not sure what to say, read my article on what to say when you phone a girl. Never phone her more than once every two or three days at the most. And always be the first to end the call.

Don’t be too eager when you kiss

When guys kiss a girl the first time, many fall into the trap of franticallly trying to get more and more physical, just short of clubbing her over the head and dragging her back to their cave. Better to kiss her well, then push her away just when she’s enjoying it a bit too much. Teasing is a good thing. Overeagerness isn’t.

So, if you’re ever in doubt of what to do next time you meet a cute girl, just remember the three rules from the Tao of Steve – be desireless, be excellent, and be gone.

I’ll be 33 a little later this year and people often think I am older than I am. I’m starting to lose my hair and the effects of too many cigarettes and too much alcohol in my twenties is starting to show through. But, I still manage to meet gorgeous girls who are often considerably younger than I am. In fact, I sometimes find that meeting and attracting women becomes easier the older I get.

If your age worries you, here are a few thoughts to set your mind at rest:

An old dog can learn new tricks

I hate the phrase “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. My father was 70 this year and started to use a computer when he was 65. He now happily surfs the web, sends emails, using internet banking and books his holidays online.

The problem you may have as you get older is that your ego won’t allow you to learn new things. You like to think that you’re now an authority on everything in life and should be giving advice rather than receiving it. If you can allow yourself to let that feeling go, you can take on new skills quite easily.

Evolution says older men are more attractive

According to evolutionary psychologists, while men look for women who are younger and therefore more fertile, women tend to be attracted to men who have status. In The Evolution of Desire, David Buss asks the question “What do women want“? and comes up with things like status, financial security and dependency. Well lucky for you if your older, as these are the kind of things we gain with age.

In hunter-gatherer societies the older men tend to get the younger, more attractive women. Older women who are still single or separated and are seen as “past their prime” have to make do with the younger men who are yet to achieve high status. Cougar anyone?

Even in our society, it’s pretty normal for women to want a man who’s at least a bit older than them. If in doubt the “half your age plus seven” rule is usually considered socially acceptable. I wouldn’t mind dating a 27 year old when I’m 40, would you?

Don’t use age as an excuse

Be honest with yourself – if you’ve ever thought “I’m too old to learn how to meet women”, do you really believe it or is it just an excuse not to do something about it? I’d take a bet at the latter. Get out there and meet some new women – they’ll likely be attracted to the life experience and confidence your age has given you.

Before we start, you’re going to need to set things up. If you’re not sure how, check out my article on what to do after getting a girl’s phone number.

Avoid the dinner date

If your idea of a first date is to arrive with flowers and then whisk her away to an expensive restaurant, time to think again. The first time you meet it’s best to do something simple and fun, where there’s plenty of opportunity for you to talk and get to know each other and hopefully build some sort of emotional connection. Personally, I like to just go for a drink in a decent bar or pub, or even just for a coffee.

Ideally, you want an environment that allows you to easily talk, where there isn’t the pressure of it being a “date”. If you can pick a venue that you’re familiar with even better, as it will help you to relax as you work your magic.

Be the man and lead

The type of men women are attracted to are not afraid to make decisions and are willing to take the lead. When you call her to arrange to meet, and while you’re on the date, make sure you have a plan in mind of what you’re going to do. She’ll be more attracted to you if you show you can take the lead, and if you have a plan, you’ll feel more confident and find it easier to relax and be yourself.

Be your (best) self

While you may like her good looks and amazing body, she’ll want to feel some kind of emotional connection with you in order for things start to progress further. If you hide your true self, she’ll likely see through you and realise you are not the person you’re pretending to be.

That said, no need to tell her all about how the last five dates you had went terribly, or how you still take your clothes to your mother’s house to be washed and ironed. Be yourself, but let her see the best side of who you are. She can find out about the your more annoying habits a bit later on….

Touchy, touchy

If you want to be in with a chance of kissing her at some point in the evening, it’s better start getting physical as early as you can. The sooner you get comfortable invading each other’s personal space, the less awkward it will feel when you go for the kiss.

Try to pick a date venue where you can sit side by side instead of across each other on a table, as this will make it easier to be tactile with each other. Start slowly, touching her hand or arm as you talk and build up a little as she seems comfortable with you.

Finish on a high

If it’s your first date, she may well not be ready to go home with you just yet. That’s OK, but make sure you finish the date at a high point so that she’s looking forward to the next time she sees you. Assuming you do, you could well be doing a lot more than kissing on your second date….

Time to admit it to yourself. It’s not going to happen. Time to make some changes in the way you act around women, get out there and meet some new women.

So, assuming you’re with a girl and things seem to be going well, here’s a rundown on how to make sure your first kiss goes smoothly.

Get some privacy

She’s likely to be a bit nervous about kissing you too, and probably doesn’t want loads of people staring at her while it happens. If you’re out in a club or bar, at the very least, pull her into a corner or somewhere a little quieter so that you have some privacy. If you can, suggest you go for a walk somewhere so that you can get her completely alone.

Get the moment right

Ideally, you don’t want to wait right until the end of the date for that awkward moment when she’s wondering if you’ll kiss her or not. Earlier on in the evening, when things are at a high is much better. Plus, you’ll have plenty of time then to take things a further if you both want to.

It’s all in the build up

I’ve heard all sorts of stories from girlfriends about how some guys almost try to jump on them with their tongues waggling. The trick to doing it the right way is slowly slowly. While she’s talking, look into her eyes, then down to her mouth, and back to her eyes again. Think about kissing her as you do this. Oh, and don’t forget to smile, you don’t want to look creepy now…

Touch her face

If she seems to respond well so far, lean forward slowly. Look back towards her lips as you do so, then back to her eyes, and gently stroke the back of your fingers against her cheek. If you do things right she’ll start to lean towards you too. If she doesn’t, a little smirk and a quiet “come here” should do the trick.

Gently gently

The key to the first kiss is not to push to far. Close your eyes, enjoy kissing her for a while then be the one to pull away first, leaving her wanting more. The key to getting her to want you is not to give everything away straight away – tease her a little with the first kiss. You’ve got plenty of time later for more and if you make the first kiss memorable, she’ll be waiting for it to happen.

I’m hoping that your place isn’t quite as bad as that, but I do think a lot of guys overlook a few things that can help them when inviting a girl back to their place. The easier you can make it for her to come home with you and the more comfortable she feels once she’s there, the more chance you will have of getting some action. Here’s a few tips to help you out with getting her back to your place.

Do you want to come back for coffee?

I wouldn’t suggest you actually use the “come back for coffee” line, however there is a good reason this has become a bit of a cliché. Most girls are unlikely to accept an invitation of “do you want to come back to my place and have sex with me?” Better to have another reason to take her home. Maybe one last drink, or to show her something cool that you’d been telling her about on your date.

When it comes to sex, girls like the idea that it “just happened”. In other words, it shouldn’t be too planned or contrived. The feeling should be that one thing led to another and you both just couldn’t control yourselves. That said, you still need to be in a place where things are able to “just happen”, so have a good reason to take her home.

Even better, why not offer to cook for her as your date? That way you get to impress her with your culinary skills (assuming you have some that is) and you don’t have the awkwardness of trying to invite her home afterwards – you’re already there.

Keep it clean

If you plan to get down and dirty when you get her home, make sure your place is clean and tidy. Piles of dirty clothes lying around, a layer of dust on everything and a stack of week-old washing up in the sink is not likely to set the mood for a bit of romance. If in doubt, hide it away. If you are really bad at this, pay somebody to clean your “love-shack” once a week.

What does your place say about you?

As soon as she walks through your door, she’ll be looking for clues to find out more about the kind of person you are. There’s nothing at all wrong with helping her along a bit with this. If you’ve got some great photos of you having fun and doing cool stuff with friends and family, make sure they’re on display. Travel a lot? A few travel guides and some framed photos of cool places you’ve visited will let her know that.

If you’ve got CDs or books on display, make sure they tell her something good about you. Hint: a collection of “Kylie Minogue Megamixes” or an entire bookshelf of computer programming books are probably not the best idea.

The morning after

I know it’s easy not to worry about this until she’s actually spent the night with you, however I’d suggest you do a bit of forward planning. At the very least, make sure you’ve got ready:

• Clean towels
• A big T-shirt for her to sleep in
• A spare (unused!) toothbrush

It’s worth doing this as it will make her decision to stay over easier. She’s probably nervous and has a lot to think about, why not make it a bit easier and more comfortable for her?

So, don’t make too big deal about inviting her back to your place, and make sure your home reinforces the great things she already thinks about you. Do this right, and the rest should happen pretty easily.

• Be attractive
• Make things happen

I know you might be reading this and thinking “is it really that easy?” and in basic terms, yes it is. Every time you’ve messed things up with a girl you liked will because you didn’t act in the way that attractive guys act or because you didn’t make a move. In this article, I’m going to focus on “making a move”.

If you want to start dating that cute girl you meet in the bar on Saturday night, there are a bunch of things that will have to happen, usually in about the same order:

1. You need to start talking to her
2. You need to let her know that you’re interested in being more than “just friends”
3. You need to arrange to see her again, or maybe make something happen that night
4. You need to kiss her for the first time
5. You need to get back to your place or hers
6. You need to “get physical”

It may sound old-fashioned, but as a guy it’s pretty much your job to make all of this happen. Where guys often go wrong is they don’t want to mess up, so get nervous. Then they either don’t do one of the above, or fluff it over.

As you’re reading this, it’s probably a safe bet that you’re not having the success you want with girls and dating. Be honest with yourself and answer these two questions:

1. Which of the above 6 steps are you getting to consistently with girls?
2. Does it not go further because you don’t do anything, or because she says “no”?

If she says “no”, it’s most likely that she doesn’t find you attractive. Don’t worry, you can work on that. Women look for different things in guys than men do in women, and luckily most of them are things you can change.

In most cases, I find it’s because guys don’t make a move. Time to kick your ego to one side, man up and do something. If you’re afraid of going up and talking to girls, time to get started. If you meet a lot of women, but never move any further than polite conversation, try telling the next girl you meet and like that you think she’s sexy and you’d love to meet up for a drink. If you’re going on lots of dates, but nothing ever happens, when you’re on the next date and things are at a high see what happens if you try to kiss her.

Meeting and dating women can seem complicated, but in basic terms, it’s really that simple. Be a man and make things happen.

So that you don’t end up like Mikey in Swingers, here are a few tips to make sure that the phone numbers you get turn into dates.

Set up the call properly

When you take her number, make sure she has your number saved in her phone too. That way, she’ll know it’s you when you call. Some people don’t answer calls from unknown numbers, so don’t give her that reason not to answer your call.

I like to save my number in her phone as something funny like “Darren Hot Guy Bar X.” It’ll make her laugh and put her in a good mood as your name flashes up on her mobile when you call.

Leave it a day or two to call

Remember, girls like men who have options. You don’t want her to feel like her number is the first girl’s number you’ve got in months, even if it is. Bide your time, and leave it 24-48 hours before you call. Don’t leave it much longer though, you don’t want her to forget who you are.

Call her on a high

Let’s say you’ve taken a girl’s phone number and been thinking about calling her all day. Your mind starts to play tricks with you:

“What if she doesn’t answer?”

“What if she can’t remember who I am?”

“What will I say to her?”

Thoughts like this will end with you making a mess of thing like Mikey in Swingers.

To get yourself in a better frame of mind before calling, call up two or three of your good friends first, just to catch up. If you have multiple phone numbers from girls, call them all one after the other straight afterwards. You’ll get in a better, more talkative frame of mind as you go on.

End the call first

Similarly to calling too soon, or too often, you don’t want her feeling like you have her on the phone and don’t want to lose her. Keep the call short and light-hearted, and end the call first.

If you’re a bit stuck as to what to say, use a structure something like:

1. “Hi, it’s Darren from the club”
2. Quick fun story about something that happened to you since
3. “I have to run to go meet someone/cook/do something cool (delete as appropriate!). What are your plans on (date in a few days time) or (alternate date)?
4. Cool. Let’s do something on (date). There’s a cool bar I want to check out – I’ll drop you a line to arrange a time
5. End call

The call should be fun and give her a little more of your personality. You should also seem like you’ve got stuff going on in your life (I have to run…..) Giving two alternate dates makes it more likely she’ll be free on one of them. Finally, you should decide where and when you will meet. You’re the man, that’s your job.

What to do if she doesn’t answer

Personally, I tend not to leave voicemail. I prefer to try to call two or three times first, then send a text if I get no response. Some people aren’t that comfortable talking on the phone with people they don’t know so well and you’ll find some girls are more responsive to text messages than phone calls.

Sometimes, you’ll meet girls who seem to be crazy about you, and then never answer their phones. Conversely, some girls that aren’t so responsive will answer straight away and you’ll end up dating for a while. That’s the way it goes and remember, you’ll learn from experience.

Don’t end up like Mikey in Swingers. With a bit of practice you’ll be as smooth on the phone as you are in real life.