In a previous article on how to be more confident, I mentioned that experience plays a big role in how confident you are at anything. When we learn something new, there are stages that we go through in the process. This is true of any new skill, and includes being good with women and dating. The process is:

#1 Unconscious incompetence

This means that you don’t know that you’re not good at something. If you can remember before you learnt how to ride a bike, you had probably seen others riding around on their bikes and thought it looked easy. You were unconsciously incompetent, as you had no idea that you couldn’t ride a bike too.

The fact that you’re reading this probably suggests that you’re past this stage when it comes to meeting women – you wouldn’t be here i you didn’t realise there are things you could improve on.

#2 Conscious incompetence

This stage happens when you try something for the first time, and it doesn’t quite work out how you expected. You get on the bike, and fall off.

With women, it could be all kinds of things – when you first go to talk to a complete stranger and she rebuffs your approach, you’re on a date and go to kiss her for the first time and she turns you down. The list is long. Don’t worry if this is you – there will be many more times that you’ll mess up. But, that’s the only way you can learn. You must go through this stage in order to move on and figure out how to do things the right way

#3 Conscious competence

With practice, you can learn a new skill, but in the early stages you probably have to concentrate hard to pull it off. Once you’ve taken the stabilisers of the bike, you can stay on, but you’re a bit wobbly at first.

When I teach guys how to meet women, we often focus on how to approach women. We practice what to say, how to say it, and how to make your body language work for you. In the evening, we go out and do it for real. Many of the guys at this point reach a stage of “conscious competence”. They know what to do, but it takes a bit of thought to be able to do it properly.

#4 Unconscious competence

Once you practice anything for a certain length of time, it become natural or you become unconsciously competent. I imagine you can probably get onto a bike and start riding away without having to think too much.

The same goes for meeting an dating women. If you’ve never asked a woman you met for her phone number before, you’ll probably stumble over the words and make a bit of a fluff at it the first time. Once you’ve done it 40 times, it will become second nature.

How will knowing this help you to meet more women?

I’m sure you have tried something out and it didn’t work, only for you to assume that you just can’t do it. Perhaps you’ve been in a situation where you’ve tried to talk to a girl and messed up, or maybe you’ve been on a date and it went really badly. It’s easy in these situations to feel negative and like a failure.

Well, remember – to get good at anything, including meeting and attracting women, you’re going to have to go through the process above. It is a learning experience, and should be treated as such.

The good news is, the more frequently you practice, the faster you will improve. How much time do you devote to going out and meeting new women?

If you want to get good, I’d suggest you make a commitment right now that you will allocate time each week to practice. If you’re not used to approaching women, force yourself to go out and talk to five new women next weekend. If you meet lots of women but you can never pluck up the courage to ask them out on a date, make a commitment that you’ll ask out the next five women you meet.

You never know, one of the might just say yes.

Tags: confidence, dating, meeting women

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| Comments (0) | April 1st, 2009